Forget Happy Hour. Want Real Connection? Try a Crisis.

Want to know why your worst days with someone often become your strongest bonds?

Oxytocin. The same hormone that floods new parents. The same chemical that bonds lovers. It also shows up when we struggle together.

Not when we succeed together. When we struggle.

In 2016, researchers discovered something fascinating: When people face synchronized physical challenges together, their oxytocin levels spike. The struggle itself creates the bond.

That impossible deadline you and your team pulled off at 2am? Oxytocin.

The friend who sat with you through your divorce? Oxytocin.

The colleague who helped you salvage that disaster of a presentation? Oxytocin.

Your brain literally rewires itself to trust people who've been in the trenches with you.

This is why corporate retreats with trust falls and happy hours create shallow connections, while that time the server crashed and five of you worked through the night forged bonds that lasted years.

It's why couples who successfully navigate challenges together – when they have the tools to cope – report deeper connections. Researchers found that moderate stress, handled well, actually strengthens relationships.

It's why combat veterans maintain lifelong bonds. Studies have documented how these connections endure decades after service ends because of the bonds forged in shared adversity that civilians rarely experience.

Shared struggle creates shared strength.

But here's what we get wrong: We try to avoid struggle. We smooth the path. We fix things before they break. We protect our teams from challenges.

And in doing so, we rob them of the very thing that would bind them together.

I'm not saying we should create false crises. But as leaders and parents, when real challenges arise, don’t rush to fix them alone. Invite others into the struggle. Let the team feel the weight together. As Churchill said, never let a good crisis go to waste. 

Because on the other side of that shared burden isn't just success.

It's connection that no team-building exercise could ever manufacture.

The bonds that matter most aren't built in comfort.

They're forged in fire.

Very much not APA style references: Berger et al. (2016) on oxytocin and synchronized challenges; Neff & Broady (2011) on stress and relationship resilience; Elder & Clipp (1989) on combat veteran bonds.